Maura Cain

I couldn’t help, but I tried

Maura E. Cain
September 11, 2003

Armed with a Red Cross
The Bible
Healthy fear
God-anointed talent
and compassion,
I went.
I saw the collapsed structures
I smelled the burning fires
I heard the heavy equipment
I felt helpless

The faces were many
Their stories were few
I used all my knowledge
skills
and talents
I tried to pry open their hearts
They were too fragile
I used my wit
ethnicity
and smile
But the stoic Yankees
were uncharacteristically silent.

For 14 days, I tried.
Did my effort matter?
I may never know.
Two said it did
And I guess that’s all
That God
wanted me to do...
Reach a heart
Touch a soul
Share a hug
No joy that I imparted
Could be received
No peace I offered
Could be experienced.

A team of strangers
As different as North is from South
As East is from West
We bonded with desire
The desire to see a smile
To share a laugh
Even if it was at our own expense
To relieve the emotional pain
somehow,
Any way
God heard my prayers
He provided me words,
Ideas,
A cognitive shift from my norm
He was there

He was sovereign
I just didn’t like
His plan
His plan to keep me humble
To remind me that all
Will heal
In His due time
Without my hand extended
Without the comfort of my arms
No words of encouragement

I wanted to hear their stories
I wanted to experience empathy
It was not my turn
And I can’t accept that
It is my job
It is my life
To help the hurting
To be Christ to them

I had the opportunity
At least twice
To return to see the emptiness
I chose not to look
I couldn’t

People think they know
They don’t
They cannot experience
The emptiness in our hearts
The feeling of failure
The sense of a job unfinished
Our need to read about it
See it on television
Talk about it

Although we are sad
It helps us to heal
So, please
Let us be
To ourselves
To cry
To reminisce

I’ll never be the same
And that’s ok
Because it is a good change
A change that reminds me
It’s not about what others
Want me to do
It’s not about them
Not about the rules
It’s for those who need something undefined
By human words
And it’s my goal
To find the need
And work to be better
At meeting that discovery

I wanted to help
I tried to help
I am sorry I did not affect more
But I’ll never be sorry
For those 14 days
In October 2001
At Ground Zero
At Respite One
At Murray and West
New York City.